Casualty

Expert contributor gofirjet
posted 201 comments!

This is the first song I’ve done mixing acoustic drums along with midi. The drums sounded a little over the top to me so I back them off. I’m still concerned they may be a little much in the chorus! However, I’m a little too close and have listen too much at this point to decide. It’s good to take a break and listen with fresh ears. Everything else is in the box! Let me have your critiques (songwriting, production, etc.) with both barrels! Written for the purpose of commercial electronic pop! Thanks in advance for listening and commenting! Bob

Verse:
All of this fighting and the slamming doors it’s bad
It’s taking a toll on me
I need a reaction
To know
Your heart still bleeds for me

Pre Chorus:
On the one hand
You’re my best friend
But the nights that we fight
It’s like we are enemies
Lord I’m begging please

Chorus:
I don’t wanna be a Casualty
A remainder of this insanity
Let’s move on – Let’s move on
Beyond the fire and rain – Let’s ease the pain
Lay down your peace come lay with me
Take my love – Take me love

Verse:
It’s like we’re walking on eggshells when it’s good
God forbid we say the wrong thing
Let’s forgive and go forward
And retain
What little faith we have

Outro:
No Casualty – in love
Take my love

© 2013. Bob Sell/Ryan Byrd

Comments: 11 Comments

11 Responses to “Casualty”

  1. marc lee says:

    thought the balance was good; liked the piano, but i’m not a fan of love songs.

  2. joeyj2101 says:

    Your lyrics are great. I’m not a fan of electronic pop. And I agree with Marc, the balance is good. Well done.

  3. kessmonsters says:

    good chorus, although i would you your casualty line more in the chorus. good effort, i like it. kess

  4. roojam says:

    I really like the composition, the groove, tempo. Really well performed and a really rich mix Your gain staging is really giving you good clarity and your finished product sounds properly loud.

    Since asked to critique, I hear just a couple minor areas I might offer could be tweaked. One the phasing effect on the lead vocal could be reduced just a bit, though admittedly, it is a nice touch for the style you have going here.

    Second, I believe the chorus could benefit from another track that may add some high frequency ear candy, maybe percussive or maybe a strings part, just to liven it up and set it a bit more apart from the verse.

    Very nice. Well done!

    • gofirjet gofirjet says:

      Nice critique from someone who nailed their last production!

      The effect on the vocal is what I was going for. However, that fact that you noticed it may indicate that it’s a little much. I’ll revisit.

      I’ve been expermenting with something to set the chorus apart! I just haven’t come up with anything yet. But I agree it could use something. If you have any more thoughts on that, I’m all ears!

      Thanks for listening and the great critique!

  5. JamesZ says:

    Interesting ideas here Bob,  I think the electronic pop song idea is very cool !

    I think the drums are fine. I'd even pump them more and twist their acoustic sound to make them more interesting. they are sorta flat to my ear.

    My sorta long take: [Just my take....both barrels and the kitchen sink. :)  ]

    Intro:

    Love the acoustic piano, on the 5 bar when you bring in a really cool electronic piano you drop it way back in the mix.   I'd make it the main hook of the song, it's really good, show it off and make the song have a strong drive and hook from it. 

    You bring in the acoustic piano but the theme switches out to electronic…I love twisting the listeners ear that way.

    Verse

    I think your electronic synth is much more interesting to my ear there and so I would push that sound and drop back the acoustic piano.  I can sense the dynamic layering / build  you are working toward but its not working, ie not enough of a difference.  The build to the pre-chorus is not big enough, the dynamics sound the same when you hit the pre-chorus. On the measures with

    Your heart still bleeds for me

    It should be making bigger dynamics there to create something about going into the pre-chorus. I know you want to build slowly but it needs more changing, build slow sure but make more obvious changes as it builds.

    Chorus

    It needs to be stronger….again dynamics, not interesting and different enough. The vocal style sounds the same…..I want to feel some pain here from your voice….Something to break up the vocal theme, too close to verse and pre-chorus in style and phrasing.

    Too long. Seems like you've got 2 chorus here, I would love to hear it break up into 2, using ch 2 as the main theme. You could also use chorus 1 ideas as another pre-chours.

    Chorus 1 / pre-chorus variation

    I don’t wanna be a Casualty
    A remainder of this insanity
    Let’s move on – Let’s move on

    Chorus 2 / Chorus


    Beyond the fire and rain – Let’s ease the pain
    Lay down your peace come lay with me
    Take my love – Take me love

     

    You've got your main vocal tag….take my love…  I like it, and I like how it comes floating back it what I call your outro, yet you've got to save that idea. You got it in what I would call a pre-outro works if it can hold our interest but right now it adds to the repetitive feel.

    Outro

    I like your ideas here, right now the song is overall too long though. If you made some changes it could be a very cool ending, but I've lost interest by the time it gets to it.

    Also: Try a whisper vocal…real quiet and powerful as a way to vary the phrasing.

    Overall

    I feel it sounds too repetitive and not enough dynamic changes. It does not feel like an electronic pop song at all to my ear in its current form. Too long for the current dynamics and changes, it isn't holding my interest for the 4 min.

    I love all of your ideas here, just not in its current form.

     

    James

     

    • gofirjet gofirjet says:

      James,

      I really appreciate your critiquing style. It’s very helpful to have your thoughts broken down into the various song sections. Overall comments are nice but it’s great to hear what’s working and not working in each section.

      The song is a work in progress. I like what you are saying and agree. Sometime you just need to hear what you already suspected. Your comments will be helpful during the rewriting process! I’ll post the next version and hopefully you can give it a listen.

      Thanks again for taking the time to post your well thought out ideas.

      Bob

  6. Toney Wright says:

    Hey Bob, Sounds good to me sorta reminds me of a seventies soft rock band like Hamilton, Joe Frank and Reynolds. In my opinion the drums sound great. The lyrics might could use a little polishing. The vocals are outstanding!! I think some flute or piccolo would sound good in this song….Toney

  7. spadanny says:

    Bob,

    This is pretty cool. i like where you’re going with it. Its not a bad lyric and melody and the singer does a good job carrying it. I really like the arrangement mostly.

    My most visceral reaction as far as criticism is that it doesn’t have as much energy as some electronic pop songs do. I notice that on the second verse theres too much of a drop of energy. You’ve got to keep people dancing. I think some of the synth sounds are too dated sounding. I want to hear more thump and less syncopation at times. Also do more variation on the end after the major lyrical content is over and were just rocking out. This has potential.

    Danny

  8. Joe fame says:

    Wow! Awesome song! I have been here before and your song makes me revisit the pain I felt when I was in that situation. Good song construction, lyrics and arrangement. Things flow well into each other. But when you say “lay down your peace” do you mean “piece” as in weapon (so to speak)? Also, I like the subtle strings in the background. Great effort!

    • gofirjet gofirjet says:

      Joe, thanks for the encouraging words! The is a work in progress as I’m trying to create more energy as the song progresses. Yes, lay down your peace or piece (so to speak). Purposely left it vague for the listener to interrupt. Thanks again for the listen and you comments! Hope to have a revision soon. Bob

Leave a Reply

You must be logged in to post a comment.