Category: Songwriters

Songwriter’s Critique

Wrong Color (debutante song discussion)

Advanced contributor clintsythe
posted 46 comments!

In the interest of continuing the ‘debutante song’ discussion I’ll post a piece I laid down during the time when recording studios were stocked with Teac analog reel-to-reel multi-track and mastering decks. I really loved this singer’s voice, she did always have trouble with her ‘P’s however.

Journey – Acoustic Instrumental

Noobie user mfowler52
posted 11 comments!

I wish I would of shortened the first movement, sorry if it gets old. The solo at the end was improvised so it’s not perfect by any means, but I wanted to improv it because I don’t want it to be a solo that’s played the same note for note every time.

Trigger – Acoustic Instrumental

Noobie user mfowler52
posted 11 comments!

I didn’t know what direction this was going to in, and I tried to make it different in parts, but still sound like it comes together.

Hey Joe Ya Whore

Advanced contributor gordsd
posted 86 comments!

This post came out of a discussion between me and Rembow about using covers and changing the lyrics. I got this idea from listening to Patti Smith’s version of “Hey Joe.” She inserts her poetry at the intro and in the middle of the song changing the meaning and making it hers. She did the same thing with “Gloria.” So I did like-wise with “Hey Joe.” The song isn’t really done, I mean I need to work on my vocals and everything else, but this is deffinately where I’m going with it.

Lyrics:

Hey Joe, where ya goin with that gun in your hand?
Hey Joe, where ya goin with that gun in your hand?

I’m goin down to 4th Street, harass some workin girls—there’s legal and illegal.
I’m goin down to 4th Street, harass some workin girls—no permit.

Hey Joe, so now your harassin workin girls down on 4th Street now?
Hey Joe, so now your harassin workin girls down on 4th Street now?

You know I go to work every day and get paid at the end of the month—just do my job.
You know I go to work every day and get paid at the end of the month—just do what I’m told.

[ short Guitar break]

Hey Joe, you know those working girls aint the only whores in this town.
Hey Joe, you know those working girls aint the only whores in this town—Reno town.

You know I don’t get paid to think, just trying to make ends meet.
You know I don’t get paid to think, just trying to make ends meet.

Hey Joe, where ya goin with that gun in your hand?
Hey Joe, where ya goin with that gun in your hand?

Hey Joe, from one whore to another, we gotta take care of each other.
Hey Joe, from one whore to another, we gotta take care of each other.

Chime – Acoustic Instrumental

Noobie user mfowler52
posted 11 comments!

Made this one today. I didn’t have any idea of where it was going to go or anything, just made the first guitar part and then added part and layers as it went on.

A question with no answers

Not Ranked Yet riotfyre
posted 0 comments!

A question with no answers.

I need an escape.
The exit measured in milimeters
It’s too far away.
Too far to sway
From this self destructive thought
In this trap my mind struggles, tangled and caught
I try to look ahead and stand tall among the trees
But all I can see in front of me
Is the places and faces that led to defeat.
Will I ever be strong enough to set myself free?
The answer is no

It’s a pay to play game
That I’ve never paid in full.
No one remembers your name
Theres no clame to fame
Split fingers wrap around the final stitch
Theres the wind up, heres the pitch
Do I have the courage to make the final hit?
The answer is no.

The series not of the world
The players aren’t the same
It’s no walk in the park
Theres no coach to blame
Just a broken heart
All the wrecked twisted dreams
Torn all apart
Is the caution flag out?
Is there time to restart?
The answer is no.

The rock and the roll
Tossed in the waves
Lost in a cave
Like a troll
I’ve tried to erase
The distorted face
Of a once perfect slate
Thats been melted by hate
Of acidic tears
Left far far behind
by a soul
Stuck in rewind
Hollow and transparent sight
A foolish ghoul
All you can do is stare.
Will I wake up from this nightmare?
The answer is no.

I take one last look at the world that lied.
The world that told me I’d be fine if I tried
To surprisingly find that no tears have dried.
I feel no satisfaction in knowing I’m wrong.
At least I’ve been right about that all along.
Finger wrapped tight and ready to squeeze
Oh just a twitch and it’s over
Just one twitch please! please! please!
Almost there
Will I ever leave this wasteland of nowhere?
The answer is no.

I’m done sitting here I’m tired and thin.
The deliberation is over the verdict is in.
One more question answered guilty as charged
I never thought self liberation would be this hard.
Do I have the will to fight this pain?
The answer lies to me
Again.

 

The Senator’s Wife

Noobie user ina_catalog
posted 5 comments!

THANK YOU FOR TAKING THE TIME TO TO LISTEN. I WOULD APPRECIATE ANY CRITIQUE.

Oh… no…

We’re not the same as be…fore

Oh no…

the girl is writhing on the floor

Oh no…

Somewhere along the way we’ve changed

Rearranged

Became deranged in a distal universe

We yelled it out

We chased about

became perverse oh…

why’s it feel we’re in reverse?

I never thought she’d go

Cause she never wants to be alone

Oh… she laid down with Angels

And woke up in danger

That I can’t comprehend…

(t-t-t-t-t-t-t-)

I’ve… been there before

Watched this girl kick down a door

Then slip on some ice…

Oh… no…

Somewhere along the way

We forgot…

That politics is not a game…

we can’t go on…

pretending our troubles away…

we‘ve misbehaved

Became deranged in an interstitial galaxy

We yelled it out

We chased about

became perverse oh…

why’s it feel we’re in reverse?

I never thought she’d go

But she’d do anything for a show

 

Oh… she laid down with Angels

And woke up in peril

That I can’t comprehend…

(t-t-t-t-t-t-t-)

I’ve… been there before

Watched this girl kick down a door

Then slip on some ice…

 

a starlet’s dreams to be a

Senator’s wife

just went up in

earnest tonight

the Georgetown brownstone

the cross country flights

the Hollywood fundraisers

and White House invites

A prescient drift of cold truth’s come…

Some might starve while others are born

I see how you rise

as you descend

Without a care

Soon you’ll own half of Iran

 

Oh… she laid down with Angels

And woke up in danger

I can’t understand…

On and off and on and off again

Time Moves On

Noobie user lj
posted 19 comments!

Debutante Song

Advanced contributor clintsythe
posted 46 comments!

I’d like to open a discussion about that type of song which I call the debutante piece. This is the song that the label will choose to help its artist or group break into the market. Over the years the charts have been peppered with this type of song. One example is ‘She Bop’ from Cyndi Lauper – a brilliant song about self-entertainment. Another example is ‘Break Down’ from Tom Petty – a new take on the negotiations as old as men and women. Still another, provided to us by Peter Townshend to debut his solo album ‘White City,’ is ‘Give Blood’ – an outstanding perspective on war.

These songs, as diverse as they seem, share a common element – they offer a fresh and perhaps shocking perspective on an old subject. They open our eyes, make us smile and most of all, make us listen more closely.

While no ideas come immediately to mind, I wonder if anyone else has any they would like to share with the group.

 

Give Me Love

Noobie user gwhool
posted 14 comments!

I recorded this song with some help from local musician friends.

If You Don’t Know Now

Noobie user stova007
posted 23 comments!

Heres a new song i just finished, called “If you dont know now”. let me know what you think!

Lyrics:

She was born in Carolina
but she was never raised
then the wolves came to find her
but she fights in so many ways

the old horizon
she was not aware
she could have the life she wanted
if she would only dare

the ocean seems to move her
but she said she could live without
maybe her mother and father
filled her head with doubt

she said
“if you dont know now
you will never know
if you dont care about me
please just let me go”

and all the masks that ive been wearing
she sees through every one
and ill the pain that shes been hiding
will cause her to come undone

she says…

Spanish Fort

Advanced contributor jim622
posted 59 comments!

http://soundclick.com/share.cfm?id=9951999

Spanish Fort – by James Gallelli

Chorus:
No – word
From Spanish fort
No – word
From Spanish Fort

Waiting to see, waiting
If word will come
Waiting to see, waiting for
A hawk or a dove

Chorus:
No – word
From Spanish ……..

Deep in the night, waiting
For word to come
Is it fight or flight, do I stand and
fight or do I run

Chorus:
No – word
From Spanish ……

– solo – dirty guitar

Chorus:
No – word
From Spanish ……

The silence is deafening
More than a mind can take
No news is no news
Is this love, or is this …….

Chorus:
No – word
From Spanish ……

My world is poised, waiting
To hear some news
If word never comes, I guess
I’ll just keep …..
Playing these blues

Chorus:
No – word
From Spanish ……

– solo – more dirty guitar

Chorus:
No – word
from Spanish …….

A sailor lies, waiting
To know his fate
Her walls go up, only she —-
Can open the gates

Chorus:
No – word
From Spanish …….

Bathing in Tears

Advanced contributor clintsythe
posted 46 comments!

This piece is instrumental rock. My focus is on music for film.

Psychosurgery

Noobie user ina_catalog
posted 5 comments!

A strapped lass imagined that, I pulled

the chord that kept us plugged

a paranoia caused

some to see things, that never, really… were…

Did she envision it?

is that why

fell asleep onto Surgeon’s hand

a paranoia caused

one to see things that never, really… were…

it’s just… a faul…ty wire… bug

their meds… cannot… retrace

they’ll have… you back… to norm soon love

from something science could not explain

and if the tracks running down your arms

don’t lead to my door

will ya give up?

or give some more?

and if the tracks running down your arms

don’t lead to a cure

please don’t give up

just give some more

a tragic victim cries!

don’t care to recognize/reconcile

just keep me alive…

a silenced voice it cries!

keep me alive

keep me alive

keep me alive

keep me a…

 it’s just… a faul…ty wire… bug

their scions will soon replace

we’ll piece you back together love

to something scanner cannot retrace

and if the tracks running down your arms

don’t lead to my door

will ya give up?

or give some more?

the drama’s never the bore

you’ll never be a chore

it’s grey while dense

and will keep in this jar…

and if the tracks running down your arms

don’t lead to a cure

please don’t give up

just give some more…

no, please don’t give up…

just give some more…

if the tracks running down your arms

don’t lead to a cure

please don’t give up

just give some more

no, please don’t… give up

just give some more

 

Ravages

Advanced contributor rembow
posted 34 comments!

Sorry about the mumbly voice here, haha, still working on singing and playing AND singing expressively (including enunciation) so that’s part of why this is a demo. Lyrics and song structure, mood and feel are what I’m focusing on. Professional recording, if ever, is a long term goal. Also I’m trying my hand at symbolic storytelling, allegory. This one’s about country music.

My lady’s no fool
She got craft to spare
My sweetheart’s no beggar
Got color in her hair

And if you give her a dime
Slide your change in her slot
She’ll recite you a song
And a show that don’t stop

There was once a time
When her grace and her charm
Made toast out of towns
And gave life to the farms

But my darlin’s no child
Say the notches in her bedpost
Don’t look in her eyes
Lest you turn to stone

Chorus:

What a beautiful song she sang
With that slow southern drawl
You can almost hear
The mournful wail
Of slow, sad steel
Casting lines against
A desert sunset
Stirring memories
Of a time before the ravages

And the town she was born in
Grew up and grew strong
Made a name in the papers
As the mecca of tonks

And the opera they sang of
As grand as it was old
Birthed the Icarus of twang
Mountain wax, home-spun gold

Her passion was plain
To those blessed with eyes
And to those craving drink
A pure shot of life

And still to this day
some radiance remains
Though jaded and faded
Sold, bought and traded

And so was treated
The soulful siren of the southern west
That singing swan more lost than blessed

Chorus

Then change collected
Like a thief in the night
She got scared or aware
Or just lost in the heart

She gave up her passion
Her unquenchable curse
For the illusion of pleasure
The dark pit of a purse

So now the good ol’ days
Are gone forever
Cold dust in the wind
A dead wheel that just spins
as the sun sets
And her skin cracks
As she fills holes full of time
For dollars and dimes
She remembers the old days
And mourns momentarily
For her forgotten muse
All but lost to posterity
“Too late now!” she scoffs
As she cashes her check
I’ve bedded the banker
And there’s no looking back

Chorus

2013 – Acoustic Instrumental

Noobie user mfowler52
posted 11 comments!

Did this on January 1, 2013, hence the title “2013.” Started with one layer, then just kind of added layers seeing what sounded decent.

Underground

Advanced contributor spadanny
posted 57 comments!

Blew out the candels turned out the lights
For forty days and forty nights
Thats how long its been since she took the light away

And Im going down
where crying doesnt make a sound
Down in the underground
the underground
Underground

Out there the world goes by my door
And I don’t raise my head up anymore
I want nothing ever again to do with that sweet misery

Im going down
where crying doesnt make a sound
Down in the underground
the underground
the underground

I’ve seen a darkness you people will never know
I’ve been down to the bottom of a bottomless hole
Cause I miss her.
Yeah I miss her
oh I miss her

And I’m going down
I won’t be coming round anymore
I’m going down
I’ll see you on the other side

Self Un-control

Not Ranked Yet taydawn_xo
posted 0 comments!

Actually wrote this in about 15-20 minutes this morning..  check it out.

<Verse 1>

I watch my own reflection,

confused by what it is I see.

Everything I never wanted,

is now becoming me.

<Verse 2>

How I’d let this happen,

its one big mystery to me.

One too many demons,

hand my pride away for free.

<Chorus>

How can I go home,

when I’m lost with no control?

As soon as it feels right,

it always ends up being wrong.

This fear creeps in my mind,

is there an end to this long road?

Gotta find a new direction,

can’t seem to find my self control.

<Verse 3>

How can you break a chain,

of events that you don’t see?

One good time is all it takes,

to lose all integrity.

<Repeat Chorus>

<Hook>

Empty eyes,

careful lies,

all these things I should deny.

How can wrong feel so right?

Stays in my mind ’til in my sight,

(In my mind ’til in my sight.)

-Taylor

___________________________________________________________________

I’m still “iffy” about the song title, so any suggestions are welcome.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Only In My Dreams

Noobie user lj
posted 19 comments!

Waiting on the Telephone to Ring

Noobie user stova007
posted 23 comments!

https://soundcloud.com/user757058102/telephone-master-3

I just started working on a solo project. Im recording all of the instruments/vocals on my own. It’s definitely taking some time to learn, but I think i’m slowly getting the hang of it. This is the first song that I’ve finished. Let me know what you think.

Lyrics:

and those city lights
they sure are bright from here
at the hotel bar
with the skyline so clear

and ill stop
and have another drink
Im just waiting on the telephone to ring

now the curtains have closed
Ive played my last song
But sometime i feel
I feel like i just dont belong

and ill stop
theres nothing left to sing
Im just waiting on the telephone to ring

and hear you say “your love isnt good enough anymore”

So im gonna sing it out
and i will just work it out
and maybe I will play it out
I wanna see how it all plays out

and ill stop
and have another drink
im just waiting on the telephone to ring

Improvisation

Noobie user mfowler52
posted 11 comments!

A Hard Rain’s A-Gonna Fall (Dylan cover)

Advanced contributor rembow
posted 34 comments!

This is incomplete. As a matter of fact, I didn’t even mean to post it yet, just messing around with the site’s options but since it’s up, here it is.

The lyrics are 99% the same as the original (except only the first two verses), the thing to listen for here is the arrangement, mood. I’m seeking something more musical to convey the impending doom sentiment of Dylan’s lyrics.

“She Said” song demo

Advanced contributor rembow
posted 34 comments!

I hope I did this right–first post. Just a song I wrote, hoping to get some feedback from other artistically-minded folks. Everything is subject to change so be as honest as you like, it’s just a pop song and an early version at that. =)

However if I can illicit any specific critique, I would like to know if the message of the lyrics comes across clearly or not.

she said
you’re not lazy
you’re a painter
like me
and she said
you’re not crazy
you’ve just no appetite
for their paradise
you want love
you want life
and you want it so badly
and it’s driving you mad
she said

in between
screens of static
oases of electricity
they say
you can be famous
we’ll give you everything
for one affordable down payment
your soul
your youth
just give us your labor
we’ll be your good neighbor
they say

one day
you’ll wake up and realize
that there is
no path beyond, she laughed
you grind your axe to the last
and that’s it
until then
you love and you learn
you give and you yearn
she said

you work and you buy
and you save and it’s just a game
you work and you buy
and you save and you are their slave
you live and you die
and there’s nothing left to say
you work and you buy
and you save and still you age..

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