Moonlight

Noobie user dj007
posted 3 comments!

Just looking for some opinions first song I posted so bare with me.

MOONLIGHT

Seems like there’s no right

When all the wrong push so strong

Seems like there no choice

When the bad is all you have

Seems like with your best

The only thing you gets regret

Sometimes I wonder

Is it real or just a dream

Can I wake up from this nightmare

Will it fade into the deep

 

FILLER

Seems like theres an answer

As I search I cannot see it

Seems like theres a sunrise

But all I see is candlelight…..

Oh I’m standing still but everything

is moving right on by

 

 

Can I wake up in this morning

Watch the sunlight shining in

Can I wake up with this feeling

That its all about to end

Can I wake up in the moonlight

As I look across the water

Not a wave or even a ripple

As I fade into the deep

FILLER

 

Seems like theres a time

When it all will come around

But I wait and wait and the day turns dark

Before I even gain some grown

I know I’ll keep on wondering,

Wondering where to go

But as the leaves are slowly turning

I know that I must go

 

Can I wake up in the morning

As you pull me oh so near

Can I wake up with you by me,

You touch my body and I lose all fear

Can I wake up in the moonlight

As the tear begin to fall

Can I wake up in this moment

As I make a choice that will my world

 

Do you ever feel your running round

This world on your own

Hoping you will find the one

That will bring you to your soul

Oh how do I find it

And how do I keep going

The days keep growing very long

When each night your own your own

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8 Responses to Moonlight



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A great start. really nice vocals, great style.

I like the lose song structure, makes it pretty interesting. Great song title. I'd make more use of the title in your song. The story focus is not as clear as it could be.


Can I wake up in the morning  < moonlight,

As you pull me oh so near

Can I wake up with you by me,

You touch my body and I lose all fear

Can I wake up in the moonlight

As the tear begin to fall

Can I wake up in this moment

As I make a choice that will my world  < really really important line here. don't rush it, make some space for the last line to echo in the listeners ears


Try starting with monlight and lose the morning, yes repeat it, it makes it easier to get your story moment of waking up in the moonlight with all these crazy thoughts running through your head and a lovely someone by your side.
 

Do you ever feel your running round

This world on your own

Hoping you will find the one

That will bring you to your soul

Oh how do I find it

And how do I keep going

The days keep growing very long

When each night your own your own

The above , great, very clear and  concrete, review and revise with that in mind. I'd start with those lines, gives the song a great story to get right away.

 

I don't think you start with your best lyric. I always go back to something one of my teachers told me to do in my writing class. Make your first sentence wonderful and concrete, Make the next even better. 🙂

You've got a great start, keep going.

I re-write my stuff  like crazy, btw pages and page of it. Polish polish polish and I still end up not saying concrete things.

"Aim high, you may miss the target but you won't hit your foot". – unknown

Other Stuff;

Vocal clarity- needs to be a better  EQ, but that can be done later. Do keep in mind to keep the lyrics as cleanly pronounced as possible. Some of your words get a bit lost.

Guitar EQ- lose the bass sound in your guitar EQ, that low bass is making your guitar sound muddy, drop the 50 hz would be the first thing I'd do.

I really enjoyed hearing your voice and song. 


    dj007
    Commented:  May 20, 2013 at 7:01 PM()

    Awesome info. I need a class in composition, lol. I just put it all down usually as a mess at first eventually it has a hint of structure. But basically its just gets written as it comes in my mind one thought or emotion leads to something else which may not be interrelated to anyone but me. That’s probably why its all over. Ill keep working. Thanks again for the help.

BritLad27
Commented:  May 20, 2013 at 6:11 PM()

I like the sort of alternative style this song has to it!

I didn’t know Neil Young posted here! Very nice vocal performance! I like the simple guitar production with enough dynamics and emotion to keep this interesting. You have some clever lyric writing here!

If you are tying to stick by songwriting rules (yeah, who needs them), you need to do something with the title/hook. When the song was over I thought maybe the title was “Seem Like” cause that’s what I remembered! I had to go back to the top of the page to discover Moonlight! Maybe that’s not an issue for you. However, it is one area that could be refined.

I really enjoyed the listen! Notable work for sure! Thanks for posting!

Bob

LJ
Commented:  May 21, 2013 at 5:43 PM()

HEY DJ007:
GREAT START FOR YOUR 1ST SONG! THE ACCOUSTIC SOFT STYLE BLENDS WELL WITH THE STORY OF THE SONG. I ALSO AGREE WITH JAMESZ THE USE OF “MOONLIGHT” MORE OFTEN IN THE SONG, WOULD HELP THE LISTENER REMEMBER THE NAME OF THE SONG. I’M ALSO NOT SURE OF THE STORY LINE, BUT U DO HAVE A PLAY WITH LYRICS!
GREAT JOB!

kessmonsters
Commented:  May 22, 2013 at 3:04 PM()

i think James Z is giving you good advice. always make your opening line interesting. you have very little time to catch your listeners ear. most people know if they like a song in the 1st 15 seconds. so your 1st line/verse is really important lyrically and melody wise. kess

seriousfun
Commented:  May 23, 2013 at 2:12 AM()

I enjoyed this. But take not of James comments regarding the EQ. I am assuming you miced the guitar up, when you do this don’t point the mic at the hole as this will enhance the boominess, point the mic toward the the 14th fret give or take a couple depending on your guitar. This will enable the mic to pick up better tones off the fretboard. Omni pattern mics are best if you have a good room otherwise you have to use cardoid patterns. If this was a single take then performance with one mic doing vox and gat I would seriously consider multi tracking, recoding the gat first to a click track in headphones using the above configuration and then recording the vox as a separate track. Then you can eq each track and hopefully cleanup some of those frequencies.

Good luck with the song, I really liked it though I was hopeing for a few more rhymes 😉

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