“She Said” song demo

Advanced contributor rembow
posted 34 comments!

I hope I did this right–first post. Just a song I wrote, hoping to get some feedback from other artistically-minded folks. Everything is subject to change so be as honest as you like, it’s just a pop song and an early version at that. =)

However if I can illicit any specific critique, I would like to know if the message of the lyrics comes across clearly or not.

she said
you’re not lazy
you’re a painter
like me
and she said
you’re not crazy
you’ve just no appetite
for their paradise
you want love
you want life
and you want it so badly
and it’s driving you mad
she said

in between
screens of static
oases of electricity
they say
you can be famous
we’ll give you everything
for one affordable down payment
your soul
your youth
just give us your labor
we’ll be your good neighbor
they say

one day
you’ll wake up and realize
that there is
no path beyond, she laughed
you grind your axe to the last
and that’s it
until then
you love and you learn
you give and you yearn
she said

you work and you buy
and you save and it’s just a game
you work and you buy
and you save and you are their slave
you live and you die
and there’s nothing left to say
you work and you buy
and you save and still you age..

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8 Responses to “She Said” song demo

Welcome to the site and thank you for posting your song! I see you posted some comments for other songwriters. Thank you for doing that and I’m sure they will be thanking you soon. Our songwriters tend to reciprocate with comments and critiques so your participation should return some benefit. In other words, expect to get out of this site what you put into it!

Thanks again for participating in the forum and I’m looking forward to hearing your music. Hope you enjoy the site!

Bob

I liked the style of the song. I liked your voice but I wish I could’ve heard your voice better and the words more clearly, so It’s a good thing that you posted the lyrics. So in response to your question: It’s seems to me that you are, with most of the song, describing the human condition: we all must sell ourselves in differing degrees in order to make a living. I am certainly not paid to think as a go to work every day, and it does sometimes feel like I’m a slave as your picture shows above–sometimes a willing slave sometimes an unwilling one. In the second verse, it seems like your hinting at a person giving up on what might be his true calling (an artist in the 1st verse), in order to make a buck/security? In the end (4th verse) it’s all just a game of slaving and buying when there are more beautiful things to enjoy in life. So it seems it describes the human condition, plus kind’ve a spiritual meaning behind a person deciding to sell their soul or not in exchange for fame? It’s as clear as mirky water.

    Rembow
    Commented:  January 4, 2013 at 6:35 PM()

    Hey I really appreciate the feedback. That’s exactly right. I like a mixture of vague and clear in song lyrics (painting a picture yet conveying an idea kind of thing) so mirky water is actually very appropriate, lol. Thanks again.

ina_catalog
Commented:  January 5, 2013 at 3:11 PM()

I appreciate the Indie style influences. I think the lyrics are too literal at times but the music sounds great. Make just repeat “you work and you buy” or simplify the last verse. Less is sometimes more.

    Rembow
    Commented:  January 6, 2013 at 1:16 PM()

    Great, good points, I appreciate it! Just curious, what do you mean by “indie style influences”? I agree completely but I’d like to know where you’re coming from. Again thanks for the critique.

ina_catalog
Commented:  January 6, 2013 at 1:58 PM()

Indie is a pretty broad term but I guess what I mean is that I cannot easily pigeon hole it into a more convenient genre. Also, by “Indie” I mean it has some good depth to the writing, and a laid back but in touch with the real world feel to it.

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